Yesterday we talked about marital conflict and how perpetual problems are totally NORMAL.
Think about it.
Two human beings called to turn toward as one + each has no control over the other = struggle and conflict (yep, the results of a fallen world).
It is how we navigate this that determines our outcomes. The thoughts that we have, create our feelings about the situation, which pour into the actions we take thus the results we get.
When we allow the conflict and differences without freaking out or villainizing our spouse, it is all just fine.
But what about couples that don’t?
These husbands and/or wives become gridlock and even more entrenched in their positions, killing the connection.
So how do you know if you are in Gridlock? Here are some questions gleaned from my study at The Gottman Institute that you can ask yourself:
- Do I feel rejected by my husband?
- Do I keep talking about it but make no headway?
- Am I entrenched in my position and unwilling to budge?
- When we talk about the subject do I end up feeling more frustrated and hurt?
- Are my conversations about the problem devoid of humor or affection?
- Over time have I become more unbudgeable which leads me to vilify my husband?
- Has this vilification made me all the more rooted in my position and polarized, all the less willing to compromise?
- Am I disengaging from my man emotionally?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, you are in gridlock. But be of good cheer knowing that there is a way out even if you answered yes to all 8! You just need a willingness to explore the real reason you are locking horns.
I will tell you more tomorrow!